| The one where I failed already! |
[14 Apr 2008|12:35am] |
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Ok, so I totally did not live up to the pact I made with myself as I let three weeks go by without updating. But in my defense...I HAVE TWO KIDS! :)
Actually, I was dealing with a little bit of stress since we were getting ready for Adrianna's (my youngest daughter) baptism and I had the wonderful idea of holding it in El Paso. I was worried about the restaurant we were having the lunch at, what the baptism would be like, how many people were going to be there, pretty much anything you can think of was stressing me out. Then to put the cherry on top, Adrianna picked up a stomach virus the Monday before our trip, we had planned on leaving Wednesday (April 2nd) evening. She couldn't keep anything other than formula down, which meant not only was she miserable because she felt bad but she was STARVING as well! My biggest fear became her pooping or puking all over her white baptism dress! Luckily the worst of it passed before we left and aside from an incident in an El Paso Target where I had to buy an emergency outfit, wipes, and wipe down a shopping cart, everything was pretty much a-ok on the sickness front!
The baptism (Saturday, April 5th) was better than I could have ever thought...we were the only ones and the priest made it very personal, including the grandparents and Angelina (my oldest daughter). And the lunch was very nice, although our timing was a bit off. The baptism was at ten and we had expected it to run at least an hour and a half since there are typically multiple families, the restaurant was about 20 minutes away, so we had scheduled the lunch at 1 to account for picture taking and travel time. Since we were the only ones, the baptism was done by about 10:40, leaving 2 hours of time to fill! Luckily, his aunt and uncle opened their home to us and my family that had traveled out there, so a group of us passed the time relaxing and socializing there. Overall, it was a nice trip. My girls met more of their extended family and hopefully it won't be too long until they see them again!
Now we are back home and back to the grind. We spent a great bulk of Saturday at a Diamondbacks game and then out to dinner with my parents. Adrianna seemed to be a bit confused as to the experience of her first game and Lina was ready to go home before it started, but all in all it was a good day! :)
So here we go again with another shot at keeping myself updating!
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| The one where I miss my journal!! |
[22 Mar 2008|01:58am] |
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According to livejournal it has been about 216 weeks since I have updated my journal. Man, is that a lot of catching up to do or what? :)
I tried making a new livejournal years ago then i tried xanga but neither of them was the same as this original livejournal that i just love so much. Nowadays I drive home for the day and I think about things that I wish I had the time to write about and somewhere to write them all down in, the thing that comes to mind is how much i miss this journal. I have spent nights reading through, looking for specific entries because I was thinking of someone, something, or somewhere. My greatest regret about this journal is that I never saved my entries elsewhere and I wish i had. I have been telling myself that I need to take the time to write but I continually put it off, now I am making a pact with myself to update at least twice a week. I guess I could have used my xanga since it has the most recent entry but it just didn't seem right. Every time I think about writing, this is what comes to mind, so here I am after more than 200 weeks!
For the quickest of all rundowns: I have been with the boy from the last entries now for 5 years and although I sometimes wear a ring on my finger we have never made it official. We have two daughters, a 3.5 year old and a nine month old. I work at a preschool/daycare teaching a three's class in the morning and doing aftercare for 3-5 year olds in the afternoon. There, that is it in a nutshell so I can just start up like I was never gone!
My most pressing issue as of now is my 9 month old, Adrianna. She, I believe, is the laziest baby. And she knows she is super cute and entertaining. Therefore she has decided that it is not necessary for her to move. No crawling, no scooting, no standing up, not even any rolling to get from point a to point b. The problem is that her doctor isn't 100% convinced that her lack of movement is simply a personality preference so she wants us to take her to PT. Yes, physical therapy for infants, little baby dumbells or something. I know I shouldn't make fun of it, but honestly...if you were with my baby for long periods of time you'd understand why I am somewhat humored by this....this is a baby who can hold her bottle but prefers not to, to the point that if you look at her she won't do it and if you touch her bottle she is done holding it, essentially 99.5% of time she will not hold it. Seriously, I understand the dr's concern and I know she is just worried that if we miss the boat now we might have a harder time getting on it down the road. So at any rate, I was given a month to get my baby girl to do something so that she doesn't have to do PT. We have tried putting toys in front of her, food, bottles, puppies...having her sister crawl around her, I have crawled with her. She usually just laughs at us. But we have begun our baby boot camp for the month and maybe she'll give in and just do something already. :)
Well, there it is...my I'm back entry. Nothing too major to start me off, I don't want to set expectations too high! :)
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| Moving on... |
[10 Feb 2004|09:29pm] |
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Time for something new. I've packed up and move to xanga. Check me out at www.xanga.com/aftermitch
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| Poor fishies |
[22 May 2003|11:02am] |
I want to update, but i just don't have the time right now. Running late and i need to finish getting ready for work. I want to stop and buy an iced tea from somewhere. Not to mention i was supposed to work on cleaning my room and i didn't do anything to it. Argh.
Anyway, last night i got a call at work from my boy to tell me his fish died. :( And that mine didn't look so well. :( This morning he told me that my fishy died...
So that leaves one little fish...
:sigh:
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| I am the worst journal updater :) |
[26 Apr 2003|01:42am] |
I have no idea where to start. It kind of seems like i have nothing to write about, cause i sort of do the same things over and over again.
Since the last time i wrote, i have worked a lot, of course. Spent lots of time with the boy, of course. We went and played pool one night, he didn't believe me that i truly do suck at pool until he saw how horrible i was in person. :) We went looking for our fish aquarium on one of our days off, found one that we like. It is a 120 gallon tank, way bigger than i was thinking, i thought we were gonna get a 40 gallon one. Found some fish that i really want, they were way cool looking. We were going to get the tank at the end of the summer, but i think i want to wait now. I'd rather we figure out what we're doing living situation wise first, rather than shelling out all this money on our aquarium.
Um, what else?
I bought some more stuff for my scrapbook, but haven't worked on it. I plan to spend a day on it this coming sunday. We had dinner with my family on easter sunday, it was actually pretty cool. I've been staying over there a lot, which really cuts into my online time. :) In fact, i just finished spending the last 6 nights there...and no problems! Not even little ones. No small arguments or anything.
Until last night, anyway. But that is a whole other story. I have some issues i need to work out, big time. And i am going to...cause...well, i don't really want to get into it. But all day long today i've had a physical reminder of much i need to get help, so it has definitely gotten it into my thick skull that i need to get it all taken care of once and for all.
And like he tells me, if i really want to be happy with him for the rest of our lives, than i need to be happy individually first...and not just because i have him, but because of life in general.
So yeah, i really do hope i'm strong enough to get this "fixed."
Anyway, i better try and get some sleep. Night all.
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| Boring recap of the past days |
[08 Apr 2003|10:05pm] |
Hey all...i was trying to be better about updating, and i already missed like three days...boo on me. :) But here i am, and i'll do my best to recap.
Saturday: Had the day off, first weekend off in a month, i think! Umm, slept in. Surprise visit by some family, i was still sitting around in pajamas. Talked to them a bit, then they all left with my mom to go eat lunch. So my siblings and i got ready and i took them out. We went to a store for my brother to look for some clothes, ate lunch, then went to target for me, then the video store for my sister. I bought three cute shirts, the first season of dawson's creek on dvd (i know, i'm lame), and an organizer for my scrapbook paper and stickers. Came home and got ready to head out. The boy and i were going to jena's for a bbq, but were running late from the get-go cause he needed to nap after work. I get there and we started talking, it was good...we needed it, though it wasn't very fun to go through. So we didn't make it, cause both of us were a bit of a mess emotionally. We ended up just talking until we fell asleep, so not at all what we had planned...and we were trying to change it up and do something different, but i think it was better that we stayed and talked like we did.
Sunday: The boy went to work in the morning, i stayed home and slept in a bit. THen i woke up and started my scrapbook for tanya's wedding, it was awesome...i don't know why, but it was just super relaxing and nice to be working on it there and stuff. Went and picked up lunch/dinner for us at a chinese place, he got home and we ate lunch/dinner together, then he got ready for church and we headed out. That is something i have definitely come to love, having him come to church with me...plus, i get to be with jena, too...so it is way awesome. Went back home, hung out for a bit, then came home...i just realized that is confusing, but we've been referring to his apt as home, so its become habit for me. He called me, slight issue that had him a bit upset, so i went back out there to take care of it. Asked him to make a decision ("Alone or together", essentially) and then we had another talk...well, more of i ended up sitting on the floor and letting him just talk to me cause he had a lot bottled up inside that was eating away. Went to bed.
Monday: I woke up, got ready for work. Went and woke him up to say bye and we talked a little bit, i told him what i was thinking about his idea of having to take care of me...explained how i wanted him to "take care of me", which was different than how he thought i wanted him to and i think the problem has now completely been aleviated...is that a word? Went to work and worked. Went to the kkpsi meeting...thought i was going to fall asleep...not so sure if it was from boredom or frustration...going to meetings as a non-active is interesting. Then to dinner with tanya and nate. Then home...talked to the boy for quite awhile on the phone, then tried to fall asleep. Couldn't cause of these stories someone at work told me, and then my bear was with the boy (spending a few nights there...too funny) so i really couldn't fall asleep. Went and slept in my sister's room...i'm a nerd, i know.
Today: Woke up and went to work. Had lunch with tanya. Then went to the old store to drop off lunch for the boy and talk to one of the girls there. Came home, did pretty much nothing. So, that's it, pretty boring, huh? :)
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| Knowing it is worth it |
[04 Apr 2003|10:23pm] |
I may not know why, i may not be able to explain it, but i know it is worth it.
Today i woke up and did a few household chores, blah. Then i wrote a letter, cause i am not very good at expressing myself verbally. I went to work and my shift went super fast, i like mid-shifts, i wish i could just work those all the time. Found out that i am staying at this store, still not sure if i am happy about it or not happy about it...somewhere in the middle i guess. Took lunch to the boy on my lunch break, bit weird at first but then we both relaxed and it was okay...left him my letter and said it was for when he got home, he asked if it was a chew-out letter and i said it was anything but. Got back to work and he called me a few minutes later to tell me loved me, cheater read the letter before he got home...but i figured he would, he has no patience. Couldn't really talk, cause i was in the office with other people. Finished my shift, came home, called him and we talked about work stuff...now just writing this entry that is pretty darn boring, i'm sure. Gonna go eat some cookies and milk, the boy is calling when he gets home, and i plan on talking to him until i am ready to go to sleep...yep, my life is exciting. :)
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| Hurting heart |
[04 Apr 2003|01:41am] |
I wish i had the answers.
I wish i knew how to make it all better. For both of us.
I wish i knew how to handle the pain. I wish i knew if the pain was worth it.
I wish i knew how to let go...yet i wish i knew how to hold on.
I wish i knew how to make the good times last longer and the bad times go faster.
I wish i knew a lot of things...
but most of all, i wish i knew...
something that hurts too much to even let formulate completely in my mind.
It feels silly to ask God for help in something that seems so trivial when there is so many more important things going on in the world. But where else do you turn?
Why was this put into my life...there is a reason for everything. And i've fought so hard for it thus far, so i don't think i'm meant to give it up...
but am i supposed to hurt so much...and how do i interpret the feeling of numbness that quickly follows the hurt now, almost as if i have become desensitized to it or have learned how to block it out and just move on...as if i'm accepting that it is okay...
He sees this image of me, this image of strength, and he thinks i can take it...he thinks i can keep fighting and pushing and make him let go and let me in...
I tried to tell him that person was never real, that it was just someone i created...but he didn't believe me...
What happens when i can't be that person anymore? What happens when i can't fight anymore? When i can't push?
What happens when its no longer just him that is trying to keep up a wall, but me as well? If neither of us is trying...
What's going to happen to us?
What happens when i get tired of hearing i'm sorry?
What if i already have?
Why do i feel so damned sick? And empty?
Why do i feel the way i felt before...
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| Successes get in the way |
[05 Mar 2003|09:02pm] |
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Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow - Picture |
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So yeah, i've been absent for a bit again, so sorry. :)
Busy with work, i am now at my third store in about a month and a half. This store seems okay, but i do miss being at my old store, not that i'll be going back there any time soon, so i just gotta get over that. I've heard that i'll be at this store for awhile and i've heard that i'll be moving in a week or two. Personally, i'm hoping for the moving "rumor". It is a nice store and all, but i want something more laid back, i'm not really in this to move up, ya know? My old store would be so nice....maybe somebody else will get moved out of there so i can move back there! Wishful thinking. :)
Things with the boy are good. Been a bit stressful cause he has a lot going on right now, but we've been working through it day by day. Had a slight breakthrough again last night...bit by bit we are getting it all taken care of so the past is done with completely and we can just concentrate on us and our future like we want to. Yes, it really is that good....don't even ask me the thoughts that run through my mind sometimes, it is enough to even "scare" me a bit. We're going to see his parents for a few days, and to take care of a few things, we leave on saturday. I kinda wish we had gone somewhere else together first, cause this isn't really what i'd pick for our first trip together...but, all in all, it is going to be an important part of our life and it'll be good to finally get this stuff taken care of and almost completely done with.
My subject line is from church tonight. Ash Wednesday, so glad i went even though i went by myself...i needed to hear so much of what Father Joe talked about tonight. He is so awesome, i love listening to him talk. The major point being that what is important, especially in our spiritual lives, are our failures and weaknesses...success only gets in the way of our spiritual journey...if we don't value our failures and weaknesses then we're not valuing ourselves because they are what makes us and what God finds most important about us. As Father Joe said, when parents tell him about how wonderful their kids are, he asks about their failures...and they usually shut up...because they don't want their kids to fail and therefore don't let them fail/give them permission to fail...which means that they're not giving them permission to be human and how can they ever find themselves spiritually if they can't accept their own humanity?
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| This is the kind of day i like now... |
[04 Feb 2003|11:01pm] |
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So the past few days i've been kinda grumpy cause i haven't been able to spend any real time with my boy. We were going to hang out sunday night and monday before we both went into work, but that fell through cause he ended up having to work monday morning and i had the allergy/sinus attack from hell. Then i was closing last night, still kinda grumpy cause i hadn't seen him when he called me at work like at 10:50 all excited because he found out that he got today off!! And i had it off too!! HOORAY!
So i went over there after work, and we watched some of the sixth sense and talked. Then we went to sleep, it is so nice being able to fall asleep cuddled up with him and wake up to him in the morning!
Except that we are both incredibly lazy and didn't wake up for real until about noon. :) Then we got ready and we went to denny's cause i wanted breakfast. After that, we drove around a bit...just driving and talking, it was nice. Then back home where i laid down cause my sinuses kicked in again, and i thought my eye was going to fall out...i hate sinus pressure. We watched more tv, then i started feeling really yucky, so i went to bed and he went and bought me some aleve and 7-up, he's so nice. :) He brought me my stuff, then let me rest by myself for awhile, then came and held me and talked to me...then we found out some crazy news, i'm going back to my old store for a few weeks. They are claiming it will just be for the two weeks, but i have this weird feeling they are going to keep me there longer...insane. I'm not very happy about it. Then he let me watch american idol over there, even though he hates it....
Yes, it was a very good day. :)
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| i hate these days |
[01 Feb 2003|11:34pm] |
Just a crappy day, no real reason why, just was. Felt funky.
Talked to my boy in the morning, and he called later in the afternoon, then came to see me at work for a few...not even all that was enough to get me out this stupid funk. It sounds stupid, but i miss him...i hate not seeing him everyday like i used to, even if now when i do get to see him i actually get to see him...i know that makes no sense to most of you. But it just kinda sucks that now i finally get to be with him like normal, and now i have way less time with him...blah. I'm just having a dumb day is all. But hey, i updated for the second night in a row.
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| Just for kim |
[31 Jan 2003|08:38pm] |
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Apparently kim is the only one who really cares that i've been MIA for so long, so this entry is for her eyes only. :)
Yeah...so....it has been pretty much a month since i've updated this. Been busy. Been uninterested. So on and so forth. Here is the catch-up.
I'm done taking classes at asu. I still need to finalize paperwork for my graduation to go through. Haven't done it cause apathy keeps getting the best of me. But i promised myself i'd do it this coming week. We'll see if i can get motivated enough. Its freakin' graduation, you'd think i'd be all over that. But nope...
Work is good, a bit tiring getting used to a new schedule yet again. I left the store i was at cause i got promoted to assistant manager. Now i'm in training for the position at a store pretty close to my house, about 6 minutes away. I've been there since the 20th. So far it is alright, not too difficult, just getting used to new stuff...trying to understand how to do it all when there are like 5 people telling you different ways to do it. I've been working all mornings so far, but longer shifts than i used to. Starting tomorrow i work all nights for a week. And i get a day off, after 7 days of working, on tuesday, thank goodness! I just want to sleep all day that day! I had to work 7 days straight cause i had 3 days off in a row my first weekend there cause i had to go to stillwater. I either have one more week at this store or two more weeks, depending who you ask, that is also kinda irritating. And i have no idea what store i'll be at once i'm done training at this one. Also a bit irritating.
Anyway, i was in stillwater last weekend for the cfr interview. It was a good time, a bit boring to tell you the truth. Not a whole heck of a lot to do in stillwater. It was cool seeing everything there, and seeing adam and meeting everyone else. It was a pretty fun interview, once it got going, good experience. And we found out the decision a lot sooner than i thought we would, which i was very happy about. Got the phone call on monday to tell me they were offering the job to adam...
Which in a way, was very relieving. Though there was a twinge of disappointment. For the most part though, i am very glad i get to stay here, cause i have a lot going on that i want to try and make work.
Things with the boy are great, and i thought i'd be excited to finally have the time to write and be able to write about us....but, i just don't want to. I don't know, it just doesn't feel right writing about it all in here. Suffice it to say, he makes me happy and i love being with him and i'm glad it has all worked out...
For being gone a month, this sure wasn't an exciting entry now, was it?
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| "I think i could need this in my life" |
[02 Jan 2003|09:40pm] |
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Ok, so yeah, my life is insane! I don't even know what i want to write about.
Things with the boy were messed up, fixed, messed up, fixed, etc. Now you're all wondering, why the hell is she with someone when their relationship keeps getting all chaotic? Because it is finally going to stop being that way and he is completely worth all the drama we had to go through in order to function normally. Well, as normal as the two of us will ever be.
We spent new year's eve with tanya and jason, awesome time. Best new year's eve i've ever had! Normally i'm not a fan of new year's at all, but this year it was a great time. Tanya cooked us an amazing dinner, we had great drinks, a whole heck of a lot of fun, and most importantly i got to spend it with people i love being with.
Yesterday things went haywire here at home. Don't really know what is going on, it is all kind of a big mess. Ended up going to spend some time with the boy and that was a huge help, i appreciated his support. Later on we were just relaxing, he was telling me all these stories about when he was growing up and then in the navy, and it was an incredible moment for me. I've never experienced anything like it before, it just all felt right...i finally felt settled and at home, after all this time of looking for it. It was amazing, i'm so glad we can finally move past all that was holding us back from being together completely and just start building our relationship, however it is that we're going to build it.
Today i received some good news from my store manager. Then i went to lunch with jena so i could catch her up on everything, then i decided i needed to go shopping for new jeans. So we went to the mall so i could use my gap gift card...spend too much money in gap body, then money in gap, then too much money in j. crew, then too much money in lerner. But at least i found two pairs of jeans that i really like! And everything i bought was on sale, except this pair of flip-flops i bought at j. crew because i couldn't resist buying them...i left the register to go get them at the last minute, cause i wanted them so much, i'm a freak, i know. And to cap it all off, it was the will and grace with kevin bacon again tonight! The dance scene is so hilarious!!!
So yeah, that's my life in a very brief synopis lately. Hope everyone had a great new years!
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| 180 |
[31 Dec 2002|09:15am] |
Something happened this morning that put me in a position to make a major decision. And to make it without contemplating, or discussing it with anyone, or even having time to weigh the consequences. All i had time to do was think "Is it worth it?" and answer.
I answered as if it was worth it.
I am trusting this other person that they are not being manipulative, that they are not going to use this to their advantage, that they are concerned about the welfare of all the people involved, that they will carry this out ethically.
That is a big step for me...to trust someone like that...
And it is even bigger when i consider the fact that it is not only my life this decision could turn upside down, but someone else's as well.
All i can do at this point is trust in myself and God that i made the right decision...
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| Beautiful mess |
[30 Dec 2002|10:54pm] |
I keep telling myself that i'd feel better if i wrote about everything. Don't get me wrong, talking about it all is a huge help and i couldn't do without it. But sometimes, for me, writing is the perfect outlet.
In some ways, things are so amazing right now. And in other ways, they're amazingly horrible.
I know he is worth it. I know i want him in my life. I know that the most important thing in life is happiness, and he is a huge part of why i am happy, so thus he is one of the most important things in my life. He tells me i make him happy...he tells me he never thought he'd be this happy in life again...he tells me that he doesn't care about work like he used to because all he wants is to be with me...he tells me all this stuff...yet he can take the risk of telling me "It has to end, and it has to end now."
What if i had went with it? What if i had been the old michelle and decided that was enough for me to stop trying and to move on? What if i had given up? Didn't that scare him, at all?
Or did he know that i couldn't let it be over? Just like i know that he wants to be able to go for it, but doesn't know how...or is too scared...or just can't admit that maybe 9 years of busting your ass isn't the be all and end all of life...and maybe, just maybe i am more important than that. Or better said, we are more important than that.
I keep wondering why something that makes me so happy is so difficult, i wonder what it is that God wants me to learn from this experience. I think that maybe all this difficulty is to teach me that i can never take this relationship for granted, and that it is worth whatever hardships come up, because the bottom line is i'm happy. And i know from all my past experience that there is nothing more important in life than personal happiness. Maybe everything that i've gone through up until now was to show me that when i am given one of the major parts of my life, i have to take it, i have to be willing to put my walls down and take a leap of faith and go with it. Yes, i am talking about all the signs i've been receiving...you can think i'm crazy, but i really think there is something to it all. There is just too many of them lately to think they are complete coincidence.
When we hung up tonight and the answer was the decision that it was basically over, i knew i couldn't let it be that way. I knew i would regret letting that happen for the rest of my life. I did something that i never thought i'd do, because it was 100% putting myself out there and not thinking about how much i could get hurt, or how much power i was giving up, or any of that old junk...i called him back almost immediately and said "I can't let go, i refuse to do it."
He told me last night that he couldn't leave me, that he couldn't let me go...and i know that there is a part of him that completely believes that and feels that. But i also know there is part of him that thinks when push comes to shove, he has to go with what seems logical, and that is to let me go and salvage what he has worked for.
I know that logic isn't the answer. I know that living by logic alone will only make you miserable when you get to that ending point. I've learned that lesson. And i learned it because of my parents, because of david, because of tanya, because of jimmy, because of dean, because of jena, because of john...because of practically everyone i have ever had a relationship with that went past the superficial. I had to go through everything to learn this one big lesson, this lesson of happiness. And there is no way in hell i'm going to let him keep going through life without learning it too.
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| Happy...sickeningly happy. |
[23 Dec 2002|12:24am] |
He's such a freakshow...
I can't even begin to explain how much fun i have with him, so i won't even try.
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| Don't be the old michelle... |
[20 Dec 2002|10:01pm] |
don't be the old michelle. This is what i keep telling myself over and over again. I don't want to screw this up, and that is exactly what i will do if i'm the old michelle.
Since saturday, i've talked to the guy on the phone every night. Like i said, his schedule for work is crazy right now so i can't see him. Plus, he's been sick. Some nights we've talked two or three times cause he calls me back when he can't fall asleep. After almost a week of not getting to actually spend time together, we had plans for tonight. He was excited about them, asked me all formally, was way cute about it. Then it got all messed up cause his freakin' brother comes into town unexpectedly today. Then we fixed it. I still didn't get to see him...but at least we fixed it so we weren't pissy.
Anyway, why am i telling myself that over and over? Because as good of a guy i know he is, i can't get myself to accept it 100%. I keep having these stupid doubts in my head. I keep holding back what i want to say to him, what i know would make it better for him because he is having somewhat of a rough time right now. But i'm afraid of letting go, because i don't want to lose any semblance of power, because i don't want to get hurt and so on and so forth. Although in my heart, i know the right thing to do is just to let go and take the risk or i'm never going to be allowing myself the chance to be completely happy.
I wonder if he'd think i was a total freak if i told him about my fortune cookie...
I just want him to know that he makes me happier than i have been in a long time...and even this bit of happiness is worth any amount of hurt that could come of it, or pissed-offness, or any of that stuff that he told me tonight he was worried about causing. And that i want to do the same for him, that i don't want to just be adding more stress and unhappiness to his life, and if i am then he needs to tell me...
Why can't i swallow my pride and tell him all this instead of being a pansy and just writing it in here?
I'm promising myself that the next opportunity i have, i'm telling him all that...he deserves to hear it, with all that he puts out there when he talks to me.
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kkpsimitch's journal
